Grief Is Part of the Journey

About two weeks ago, I had to say goodbye to my favorite furry companion, Ella – my pug. It was difficult to process that she was tired and her small body and spirit was ready to cross over the rainbow bridge or whatever you call it and be with her sisters (Laura and Lindy) and my deceased husband, Robin. Her passing did not come as a shock as she had been on the decline physically, but I must admit, this little 18-pound dog filled up my house with joy and now it feels quite empty and different. In addition, I found myself dealing with a flood of emotions that I did not anticipate. Obviously, I missed her and just wanted to know she was ok on the other side, but her passing knocked the wind out of my sails. I finally had to come to terms with the transitions about to occur in my life. This includes that she was the last link (besides Isabelle of course) to my previous life with Robin. I suppose over the years, I put much of my emotions and realities aside because I had a dog to take care of  and she filled my love cup. But unfortunately, I avoided becoming an empty nester and did not form a plan for my next steps, I was kind of just going with the flow.   Grief sucks but I have decided to sit in it, be with it and be comfortable being uncomfortable. Although I am sad and miss my  Ella, it is important to acknowledge the time alone, honor her for being the best companion a girl could ask for and also figuring out how to make the most of the future and my path forward. This is not the greatest moment for me, but it has opened up perspective and allowed me to take a pause as I think about 2025 and what is next…. But before I go there, I must at least write a paragraph about my Ella Bella and what a wonderful girl she was…

Almost thirteen years ago, our family adopted three pugs which I fell instantly in love with from the moment I saw their little faces. Because there were three of us, Robin, Isabelle, and me – we each had a signature pug as we called it. Robin’s dog was Lindy, mine was Laura and Isabelle took on our youngest pug Ella. Times started out rocky in Harrisburg, PA with them as having three pugs was a big commitment which was not entirely thought through (the ultimate impulse buy 😊). The girls did not have the best previous lives and had never even walked on a leash. We learned the hard way with cute but ill-fitting harnesses and when they got spooked, Laura and Ella bolted down the street (Lindy was always the smartest one – she stayed with us – knew she had hit the lottery). Isabelle and Robin chased after them until they were secured. Laura gave up without a fight, but Ella had gotten especially scared, and we thought we lost her for good. However, Robin was determined to continue to look for her into the night where he brought our scared little puppy home. We were so relieved and realized it was time to ensure better walking gear (form over style) and more structure. Ella was full of energy, loved her walks, barking, terrible at learning commands and snuggling with her sister Laura. As a side note, Robin and Isabelle believed Ella was actually Laura’s daughter – we never did solve that mystery. Unfortunately, over the years Lindy and then Laura passed away leaving Ella as my sole pug for about three years as Isabelle was off to school and globetrotting around the world. Ella too aged over the years still maintaining her rambunctious spirit, but her back legs became weak making it difficult to walk. She loved being outside and frolicking in the leaves and grass. She also loved flirting with random service professionals such as plumbers, electricians, and the cable guy. For the last year and half, Ella and I would clock about five miles daily as I held her in my arms and put her down in strategic places for her to sniff and do her business. I was that nutty woman in the neighborhood that held my dog and people would say things like I wonder who is walking who? It never let up – everyone thought they were very original when they said that to me, but I did not care. It was our time together, almost spiritual, where we just enjoyed the quiet and nature. We would come home, and she would demand her cookies and greenies. As she got older, she became finicky and would not eat dog food. I guess all of us old ladies start having that – FUCK It moment where we do what we wanted to do. She would be fed turkey, sweet potato and broasted chicken. There were even times when she was sick of the menu, and I would DoorDash brisket or another meal from the deli. I am not proud, but I felt like she deserved her YOLO moments. We enjoyed our day naps and sacking out on the couch. I loved massaging her legs and doing reiki healing for her too (OK – I guess I have proven that I am strange as I revealed way too much). The truth is that it was an honor to care for her and make sure that she was content. It was peaceful with her; she made me feel calm and purposeful. I was not able to travel too much or be away for more than a few hours, but I knew that this was only a moment in time, and I was happy to stay close. All and all, she hung on as long as she could and wanted to ensure that I would be ok without her.  It was a beautiful relationship that I will always cherish. RIP my little pumpkin. As I think about the future, the hope is coming back, and the possibilities are beginning to run through my head. I decided I am going to be more spontaneous and travel. I have already booked a trip to visit Isabelle over the holidays in DC.  I can be present, enjoy the city and all it has to offer without worrying about Ella. I am going to take this phase to continue my health journey and set new goals for myself (will tell you about my status in the next blog). I found this great quote which perfectly describes where I am now. “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.” So if you do not mind, I need to grab my boots and umbrella and be grateful for the possibilities in front of me.  Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.